Ha! Fuck you, MBNA!

Nearly seven years ago, I was working on my first Masters degree and working part time in a bar to make ends meet. I went to a gig at the CIA in Cardiff and the White Room credit card people were there. They did the hard sell and persuaded me to apply. I assumed I would be turned down because I WAS A STUDENT and I told them so. I did it anyway though.

About a fortnight later, I got a phone call saying they had approved my application and were giving me a 3 grand credit limit. I told the guy on the phone that they were making a serious mistake but he laughed it off.

Card arrived and I put it away, not intending to ever use it.

Then my computer broke.

Then my dog got sick and needed vet treatment.

Then I had to make a payment for my tuition fees...

Very soon I had managed to max the card.

At that point, I was made redundant and my debts overtook my life. This would have been five years ago. I was on the brink of bankruptcy when I went to Citizen's Advise and went into payment plans with all of my debtors.

It went really well with everyone else (HSBC, Barclaycard, Monument, La Redoute - actually not so well with them but I will tell that story another time...). But MBNA... I am sure they were awkward for the hell of it. I sent them my payment plan SIX times (4 times via recorded delivery) but they kept saying they had not had it, though of course I could prove that they had. I eventually emailed it to a manager at their call centre. They refused to accept my suggestion of £30 a month and initially agreed to £38. Then I spoke to someone else who said they would only accept £45 a month. When you are on the dole, this can make a massive difference to your life.

I struggled, though, and was considering bankruptcy again when I took my current job.

I continued to pay the £45 a month as I still could not afford anything else (rent, bills, travel expenses, etc, all add up).

Well... As of this month, I had 6 more months to go with MBNA but I managed to scrape the money together and paid them off in full this morning.

This was a prime example of irresponsible lending on their part but they have never been interested. I would quite like to sue them...

It is satisfying to be able to scream FUCK YOU at them. Also nice to get rid of one debt before the end of 2010.

I want another one gone in 6 months...

My very tiny (vegan) Urban Decay collection

I used to have much more but I gave away most of my lip glosses as my nieces were desperate for them...

I buy most of my Urban Decay when I am in California (Boots is absolutely crap with what little they actually stock) so some of my collection is quite old now. I use everything, though, and love it all :)

I have a few other items (like old vegan Hard Candy stuff) and the odd random item I have picked up on my travels so I am not a total Urban Decay slave but not far off...

Surreal Skin Liquid foundation in Illusion

Eyeshadow Primer Potion (my MUST-HAVE item)

Eyeshadow Transforming Potion

Brow Beater in Brunette Bombshell

Smoke Out Eye Pencil in

Green Goddess

Mary Jane

Purple Haze

Maui Wowie

24/7 Glide-on Eye Pencil in

Baked

Zero

Lucky

Dime

Gunmetal

Electric

Yeyo

Honey

Covet

Heavy Metal Glitter Eyeliner in

Air Guitar

Spandex

Pyrotechnics

Groupie

Headbanger

Ink For Eyes in

Zero

Demolition

Loaded

Pyrotechnics

Binge

Cream Eyeshadow in

Five-O

Suburbia

Shag

Go Army!

Moonshine

White Lightening

Matte Eyeshadow Threesome in

Hazmat

Asphalt

Precious Metals cream eyeshadow in

Trust Fund

Loaded

Platinum

Deluxe Eyeshadow in

Honey

Peace

Graffiti

Zero

Loose Pigment in

Yeyo

Graffiti

Shattered

Protest

Goddess

Gunmetal

Rockstar

Matte Eyeshadow in Narcotic

Eyeshadow in

Acid Rain

Strip

Cherry

Vert

Goddess

Speed

Baked

Kiddie Pool

Baked Bronzer

Powder Blush in

Quickie

Fetish

24/7 Glide-on Lip Pencil in Ozone

Lip Pencil in

Illegal

Fur

Roach

Midnight Cowboy

Lip Gunk in

Midnight Cowboy

(plus another one but the name sticker has come off)

Shot-o-gloss in

Pina Colada

Cosmopolitan

Mai Tai (x2)

Pocket Rocket Lip Gloss in

James

Jesse

Eric

David

Sparkler Pen in

Rocket

Firecracker

Flare

Bombshell

Dynamite (x4 - my fave, you see...)

Lipstick in

Gash

Hotpants

Jailbait

Jilted

Pistol

Revolution

Rush

Wanted

So not much then!

My Tatty Devine collection (a work in progress)

I really don't have much Tatty Devine stuff. I know there are others out there with massive collections but I like the few bits I have collected so far and intend to keep quietly buying little items...I bought this anchor necklace in the sale earlier this year. Always loved the nautical stuff.
This seagull necklace has a lot of personal meaning for me. I wont go into detail but it reminds me of someone special...
I just love the legs stuff! I got in an ebay bidding war for the necklace and then when it arrived, I discovered it was actually a pair of earrings! The seller was very good, though, and managed to find me the necklace and sold it to me at a greatly reduced price (and I kept the earrings too!).
More legs. Black stocking earrings this time.
This is one of my favourite pieces (silk flower necklace and earrings) and it gets most wear when I am in Los Angeles. It is feminine but not too girly. Love it.
Pop hands! I always wanted the matching hair slide but have never been able to get one.Another favourite piece of mine. The earrings are so cute but I never understood why they were different...
I got these little heart earrings for free. I ordered name necklaces for my nieces for Christmas and when they were made up, Tatty Devine posted on Twitter that if we could see out necklaces in a photo of a new batch, if we tweeted our order number, we would get free earrings. I was straight in there! Of course, my nieces do not have their ears pierced yet so I am "looking after" these until they do...
I have got a feeling this is a fake. I bought it off ebay and it came in a Tatty Devine box but there is no plectrum and the whole piece feels very "light" compared to other pieces I have. I dunno... Maybe it is just very old? I still quite like it though.
My first piece.
I don't know much about this eye necklace. Cost me 15 quid off ebay.Another favourite piece. I think this one was reissued this year but this is an older one.
My glittery red reindeer.
Acrobat earring. I do like the circus, you see...
Another sale item. My nieces fight over this one all the time.
More legs!My mom got me this one for Christmas this year. One of my favourite pieces again.
Black glittery reindeer.
This single earring set me back like £25 on ebay! I really shouldn't get sucked into the bidding wars...
The star earrings were also free ones.
My dinosaur. Got it at a bargain price off ebay as it is slightly damaged. You can hardly tell though...

So I am sure there are horrified gasps from the real Tatty Devine collectors because I don't have any name necklaces. Well... I will get some made up eventually but it's time/money/etc slowing me down right now. I want to get a glittery Hollywood one and a green vegan one and a massive Bloody one saying "Murder" with a smaller one saying "meat is"... Maybe the next time they have a sale... I ought to get an Irezumi Muzan one sometime too...

My nieces - Isobel, Jemima, and Tilly - all have name necklaces plus Isobel has a gold glittery bow tie necklace (a Christmas present from my mom this year) and a single I necklace. She has her name down for my collection for either when I die or when I am too old to care for myself and I have to move in with her... Having a great jewellery collection is a great bargaining tool...

I'm hoping for a nice January sale because the credit card is currently cleared and I think I deserve a few treats...

2010 in review

Been quite a year, all in all.

This was the year that I finally had enough of my best friend's lying bullshit and dropped her. It got to the point where I just felt sorry for her and I don't need that shit. Means when I go to LA next, I wont have to put up with her watching TV all night and sleeping all day and not wanting to leave the hotel because the front desk guy is "cute" (he wasn't). Also means I miss out on the pleasure of sending 99% of the presents she gives me to the charity shop. PLEASE don't buy me cheap cosmetics...

This was also the year that, after 5 years, my former best friend came back into my life. It's like we were never apart... and he *might* come to LA with me... That would involve a proper return of "LA Helen". You know, the one that gets smashed in bars, fucks random rock stars, and suffers from horrendous memory loss...

I finally embraced Twitter, thanks to my overwhelming urge to stalk Vagif. I also discovered that having a strong voice on Twitter makes you VERY popular. I have fought and won one major battle and have another on the horizon.

I joined Facebook. What a pointless waste of my life that crap is but it is funny to have the bullies and vacuous bitches from school telling me how wonderful I look. Yeah, have that, you cunts.

My blog finally got popular after I decided to start taking it seriously. While I still don't get many comments, I do get a huge amount of traffic. I have people come up to me in the street and say they have read something I have said on here (ie, about their business) and that they have taken on board my views and are looking to improve problems I have highlighted.

I started my own little campaign to try to improve Newport. I found it difficult to watch my city die. Then I realised that there are some absolutely vile people living her (ie, the neighbour that threatened my mom on Christmas Eve or the tosser that stole the snow shovel or indeed the nutjob that burgled my sister's house TWICE whilst the kids were asleep upstairs) and so now I am proud to run the FUCK NEWPORT campaign. This will be fun...

I discovered the joys of Bondi Rescue. Met some lovely people through that too.

I seriously cut back on the drinking. I think it is completely under control now so that is one less stress.

I got involved in what I affectionately term "The War Of The Authors". I am so tempted to do my PhD on it but we all know how lazy I am... I perhaps trusted the wrong people and by the time I realised, I had been forcefully dragged in to it all. Luckily I am strong enough to assert myself so no real damage done. I did lose an interesting friendship along the way but I can't be associated with people who commit illegal acts. Such is life.

I had a good year with my FMF until the last couple of months when I have been going through a rough patch. I am determined to kick it though.

I started to be treated as the Goddess that I am, with men throwing themselves at my feet regularly. Shame I don't really like Welsh blokes...

I greatly streamlined my life. In fact, my wardrobe looks like it belongs to a normal person now...

I completed a massive chunk of my MSc (and got good grades too!).

So moving on to 2011?

I am too old (and lazy) for New Year's Resolutions.

I'll be 30 this year. Time I got my life completely on track.

2011 will be spent clearing my debts (so close!).

I'll be finishing my MSc towards the middle of the year so want to get a job that finally uses my education. There must be SOMETHING out there.

I can also see me leaving Newport. I've been here long enough.

I need to take care of ME so every Sunday will be spent indulging in nice little spa treatments. Already started today. I also have tonnes of make-up that I am "saving". Saving for what, though? I buy new every time I go to LA. Time to get using it.

I'm also completely letting go of the arseholes in my life. I don't care if my worthless piece of crap ex talks shit about me because HE HAS A TINY PENIS!

Positive from now on.

Unless you annoy me and then I'll make your life hell :)

Christmas!

Another Christmas over with. No major arguments. I am getting over a particularly bad run with my FMF so I did not overeat or drink excessively so all good.

I got...

The above plate with a matching side plate and bowl

The Michael Jackson dance game for the Wii

A Tatty Devine necklace (will be doing a Tatty Devine post later, I think)

An Amaretto-flavour vegan lip balm

A ginger beer-flavour vegan lip balm

A mousemat with pics of my dog, my sister's dog, and their three cats on it (apparently they couldn't find pics of my cat)

Gloves

A bracelet

An Irish coffee set (contains dairy and caffeine so immediately passed on to someone else)

The last thing is one of my little annoyances. I have a branch of the family who think, as long as they get you any present, it's fine. They know I am vegan/have allergies but always get me something I can't use. It has reached the stage where I am fairly sure they are doing it on purpose...

And I always get them something nice... This year it was a (rather expensive) preserve set from John Lewis along with chocolates and biscuits. Next year they get something from the Pound Shop.

Other gifts I gave -

3 Sun in a Jar lamps for my mom (plus a book), MP3 pillows for the kids, Tatty Devine custom name necklaces for my nieces, got my nephew that Zippo hand warmer thing, clothes for my one sis. a Mili skin for my bro-in-law's iPhone, a top plus Tweezermans for my other sis, and various chocolates and sweets.

I also did the Christmas gift bags for after dinner this year. Filled them with various sweets and mini bottles of alcohol, etc. They went down very well.

Next year, though, I think I will do all of Christmas slightly cheaper...

Inspirational Women, Part 14 - Natacha Rambova

January 19, 1897 - June 5, 1966

(Born Winifred Shaughnessy)

This will probably be one of my more controversial selections but here goes...

I discovered Rambova via Rudolph Valentino, of course, and I got sucked into the usual "Oh, she was an evil, controlling bitch who used him" nonsense. It wasn't until I read Madame Valentino that I discovered there was so much more to her than had been previously revealed.

OK, she may have made poor career decisions for her husband, she may have not been the dutiful wife everyone expected her to, hell, she may have actually been a lesbian but who cares?

She photographed the Spanish Civil War and contributed greatly to the study of Egyptology. She was also on the cutting edge of fashion for a long time.

I think people like to play Valentino as being the weak little victim of a strong woman but since when has being a strong woman been such a terrible thing?

Natacha Rambova is a greatly misunderstood woman and I don't expect that to change when the loudest people seem to be the least informed but if you have even a slight concept of open-mindedness, read Madame Valentino and actually learn something about this inspirational woman.

Merry Christmas!

Enjoy the holiday season as best you can :)

"Crazy is the price of admission to that ride..."

So...

Not often am I actually left speechless.

She's managed it with her craziness though.

She kept trying to get me to talk to her little brother online. Frankly, I thought that was weird. I don't wanna be talking to 12 year old kids

Then her "brother" became her "friend" and made his public début.

She used the character to get attention and then decided to kill him off, upsetting a lot of people in the process.

Shall I share all the screenshots of when he was her "brother" to expose her for the liar she is?

Nah.

She's going to die pathetic and alone and no one will ever trust her again.

That's good enough for me.

Improvements to Newport station

We can all bitch and whine about the state of the station but how about we all start doing something positive to improve it? Obviously the powers that be over at "The Uterus" have no idea how to run a decent public building so here are my suggestions...

- install a crossing at the entrance to the taxi rank so people can get down to the original crossing into town

- put up clear signs to the city centre for pedestrians

- redesign the front car-park so that it is easier to negotiate

- fix the entrance to the back car-park

- install 2 extra ticket barriers at the front of the station

- bring back the info desk

- put up barriers to force people to queue properly to buy tickets

- have more staff on the ticket windows

- tell ticket staff that they must give people the correct change

- retrain ticket barrier staff so that they are not so rude to passengers

- ensure the lifts are actually working (ie, lit and not slipping)

- replace the flooring on the stairs because it is already badly worn and very slippy

- replace the metal strips at the top of the stairs with something less slippy/dangerous

- fix the leaking roof

- stop staff from leaving buckets lying around on the bridge (I swear to God - the next time I trip over one, I am taking the lot of you to court)

- heat the bridge on cold days to make it less unpleasant

- have CLEAR signs to Smiths and the coffee shop

- make sure the info boards are working correctly and are up to date

- fix the leaky covers over the platforms and extend them a little further so that the rain does not pour straight onto commuters

- bolt the benches to the floor so that we don't get catapulted off when someone sits at the other end

- create a small area for the train-spotters so that they don't sit in the prime location for commuters; they may have nowhere to go but I do

- stop changing platforms at the last minute

- bring the trains further into the station so that there is not such a dangerously huge gap for us to jump over as we get on/off the trains

- encourage commuters to be more considerate of each other with polite PSAs

I don't blame Newport station for the delayed, overcrowded trains but they could do so much more to make it all just a little less unpleasant...

The ball's in your court.

My other blogs!

Time for a little self-promotion, I think.

We've got the Bruce "Hoppo" Hopkins Info Bin; a blog in a desperate search of a better name. It's a work-in-progress as I attempt to gather together all of the available info about Hoppo and the boys. Had over 1000 hits in one day recently...

Then we have Vagif Khamdoulaev/Вагиф хамдулаев. One of my heroes from way back. My Valentino. Very popular in Russia and Venezuela, apparently...

And finally there is my little pet project Soslan Suanov / Сослан Суанов. Quite a few hits from Russia but this one is purely for me.

Have a read. Make me feel popular ;)

Today I am a very happy bunny...

Started off OK. Puppy woke me up and we went for a run before a quick dash to the shops and then dropped my sister's birthday present over.

When I got home, I decided to sort through my credit card statements (still working myself out of severe university debt from my BA) and realised that I can pay one off by the end of the year if I really focus. So I paid off a large chunk today and left about £200 more to pay off on pay day.

Then I sat down to write my essay (due tomorrow) and decided to have a quick look at my uni website before I started. Well... my exam results were back from last term... I PASSED ALL THREE MODULES!!! I even got a higher grade on one exam than I got on any of the papers I wrote for coursework. All the stress was worth it in the end. I need 60 more credit points for the MSc and then I will be able to get a proper job.

Yay me!

Review: Tesco

Tesco Extra

Pontymister

Caerphilly

****

I was quite excited at the thought of a new Tesco opening close to home. I prefer Tesco over all other supermarkets but the one on the Cardiff Rd was a bitch to get to and the parking was horrendous.

So the new store opened yesterday. I was working so popped in tonight.

The car park... Wow. 761 spaces, well laid out, covered walkway all the way to the store. Add to that bus stops, a bridge into Risca, and no annoying traffic lights to negotiate in order to get in and I'm already impressed.

The store layout is very similar to the one on the Docks Rd in Cardiff. I found it a bit overwhelming at first but then it was very busy and there were a lot of people spraying stuff in the cosmetics section and I'm not feeling so well anyway...

They had a much better range than the other store (exotic veg, a Japanese section, an olive bar) and the isles are nice and wide. Of course, the store is also very clean right now which helps.

The staff are much friendlier than elsewhere but then over 2500 people applied for 350 jobs at this store so they have to be friendly...

Negatives? No lighting in the car park. There was some mouldy produce which grosses me out (potatoes and clementines). The floor also seems a little slippy. And they don't have much of a range of DS games...

Oh, and I (clubcard holder) received a voucher through the post for 200 extra points which is the equivalent of 200 points whereas my mother (who sent her clubcard back in disgust about 10 years ago after she received a response to a letter of complaint addressed to someone else) received a voucher in the post for a tenner off. Seemed kind of crap to me.

People are complaining about how this supermarket will destroy Risca town centre but... this is what we need. It is bringing in jobs and Lidl have really started taking the piss with their prices so maybe a little competition will straighten them out.

I will certainly be back.

An open letter to Arriva Trains Wales

One can only assume those in charge of your company never use public transport.

I'm not even going to bother with the latest issues with Newport Station as that dead horse has not only been flogged but shot and drowned too. And got trapped in a non-functioning lift.

Why oh why do you not stick an extra carriage on the trains during busy periods? I don't appreciate having to be crammed amongst bikes, drunks, and obnoxious teens after doing a 10 hour shift in work. It is not going to cost you much extra to link up another one and your passengers will appreciate it no end. Maybe - just maybe - if you did this, we would not be so upset about the spiralling ticket prices and the rude staff at the stations.

Just a thought from a regular commuter who is going to throw the bags of the next person who refuses to remove them from the adjacent seat during busy times onto the tracks.

One year on

My Slava

"Slaveboy"

This one was funny rather than scary.

Another MySpace weirdo, Slaveboy started messaging me one Sunday evening.

He was from Newport (literally two streets away from me but I never told him that). A fat, ugly, kind of inbred-looking guy. He was in his early 20s but looked like a 40 year old who has done a couple of stints as the prison bitch.

He started off all friendly but then decided that, as a tall tattood woman, I must be a dominatrix. He demanded I do all sorts of depraved stuff to him so I ignored him. He continued to message me. For a week.

800 messages in 7 days.

Then he went away.

I found him a little bizarre.

So I printed out flyers with his picture on and posted them through every letter box in the neighbourhood.

The message?

"This man has a tiny penis".

Wayne

I used to be a MySpace fiend. I mainly got into it because of the music. This was before it was shit, mind.

I would often get random men add me, mainly wanting to just chat. I would exchange a few messages but never encouraged anyone.

Then there was Wayne...

40. Overweight. Balding. Lived about 3 streets over from me...

He started off inoffensive enough. He would ask me how my day was and things like that. Then he started asking me personal questions... I made it clear I was not interested but he would not leave me alone.

Then he started threatening to track me down and rape me.

It bothered me to the point where I would hide if I saw him out and about.

I told my mate Alex who very kindly put him in his place. He said something along the lines of if he did not leave me alone, we would post his photos all over the internet so everyone could see what a true pervert looks like. We also messaged all the other women on his friends list and warned them about what a freak he was.

Wayne deleted his account and it was quiet for a while.

Then one day He appeared with a new account and messaged me to threaten me again and tell me to "fuck off".

I immediately reported him and he was banned within hours.

Never heard from him again.

All this because I wouldn't cyber with him...

Here is a link to his Facebook page. Enjoy!

"Only in LA..."

I was a bit wild in my youth and dated some really dodgy men. One was a professional tattoo artist who worked on Hollywood Boulevard. He was a nice enough guy but he was a junkie (this was a central part of my early adult years as I always went for the same sort of guy on some misdirected crusade to "save" them). He also wasn't very bright. He looked pretty, though.

I was really into the music scene and me and my boy would go to a lot of gigs. I got up onstage a few times (I can sing when I want to) and became quite well-known. Nothing major; just a bit of fun.

Well that idiot started talking to girls at the clubs, didn't he. One girl started hanging round with us and she asked me to help her with her singing career. Ah, LA... where everyone wants to be someone... I introduced her to a few people, helped her rehearse, hell, I even put up flyers.

She did one gig and decided she was a rock star.

And what do rock stars need?

Apparently, tattoo artist boyfriends...

I knew he was screwing around but this was LA and I was young and didn't give a shit. He regretted it straight away. We figured she would get bored and move on. But she had some issues with "letting go"...

It was simple things at first. She would read my website (at that time) and then discuss everything I had said in great detail with anyone who would listen. She'd hang out at the tattoo studio all evening and she even started going to the same gym as me (she lived in West Hollywood and the gym was Downtown).

It started to get a bit annoying so I asked her to back off.

Silly me.

That was when the 3am phone calls started.

One morning, I was staying at my boy's place and he had not come home (normal behaviour). The phone rang at about 5am and there was no one there. Went back to sleep. 5:15, it rang again. Again, no answer. 5:30, I decided to get up and head out for a run. I dressed and fussed around, as you do, and then got ready to leave. As I opened the curtains, I was greeted by the site of my car bursting into flames on the driveway whilst she sat naked on the lawn, arms raised towards the sky, chanting.

Well that was it. I was straight out the back, hopped the fence into a neighbour's garden, and snuck through into the street over from the freakshow.

I went back to my place to calm down and called the police. After the fun of filing reports, I went back to my boy's place to see the remnants of my car being scraped off the driveway.

I put word out that I wanted to meet with the crazy stalker to get everything sorted.

For once, there was silence.

A week later, her building manager found her rotting corpse in her apartment. She'd apparently killed herself that day.

It was a very dark time for us but we moved forward. Him by hooking up with another crazy bitch.

I left at that point.

He still lives in LA and still tattoos but not on the Boulevard. He's gained about 120lbs and still manages to hook up with wannabes.

You would think he would have learned...

Standard Stalker Warning

Dear _______,

I see you have been acting inappropriately towards ______ by excessively tweeting that person.

I am sure you believe your behaviour is both normal and perfectly acceptable but everyone else thinks you are a crazy-ass dangerous stalker who should be banned from the internet and all social gatherings in general.

As the Stalker Stopping blog is currently suffering a backlog of crazy-ass stalkers, it may be up to five (5) working days before your actions are publicly disseminated for the world to laugh at. Therefore, you can take this time to stop your harassment.

Or you can do even more crazy-ass stalkerish things so that we have some REALLY good material on you.

Your call.

Best,

The Anti-Stalker League

O-to-the-M-to-the-G!

It's Single White Female all over again!

I work in a very male-dominated industry. It's fine by me; I prefer men as friends anyway.

But there are a few girls there. They all tend to hang out together and stuff but I tend to keep myself apart from them because there is only so much stupidity I can take in one day...

So there is this one girl. This is her first full time job. She's a graduate, a bit simple, eager to please.

She decided we were friends and felt the need to confide all her issues in me. Frankly, I wasn't interested and have started to ignore her.

She started to copy the way I talk and dress and even had the same desk layout as me.

Today, she came into work with her hair exactly the same style as mine, even the same colour (minus the greys I sport). I looked at her and went cold. Why would she do that??? It's not even a great hair style! I keep my hair like this because it is practical but can still be styled when I want to get tarted up.

I need suggestions on what to do now. She is really freaking me out.

I don't even know why I attract so many weirdos. It's not like I am even remotely nice to them!

Bus Bunnies

I'll admit... I was a bus bunny...

Only a little, though...

When I first met Mike, most of our flirting was done on the bus. It was all inoffensive enough. We ended up in a serious relationship for a long time so it's not like I was one of the "others"...

But OH MY GOD!!! You should see these girls...

Bus bunnies are basically bus driver groupies. OK... It's a strange concept to me. I don't care what anyone's occupation is. If they interest me, I will talk to them. But some of these chicks actively stalk out and bang bus drivers!

There have been so many...

There was Bad Roots. 3" of dark roots on dirty blonde hair just looks scary. She was in her early 40s. Had a couple of kids and chipped nails. She used to follow Mike obsessively. He would be civil to her but she used to freak him out a bit.

Cougar. She was 64 and viewed 42 year old Mike as a challenge. When he rejected her, she started on 34-year-old Gabe. His girlfriend wasn't so happy...

Dumpy Student. Greasy hair, too-tight clothes, no personality. She would ride Dan's bus for 3 hours every day.

Ranting Woman. She would kick off about some news story and you just couldn't stop her. She had a thing for Mike too. She would stroke his arm at every opportunity.

Court Lady. She worked at the courts, you see... She would outrageously flirt with all the bus drivers and then go home and eat curry-for-one in front of The Dating Game.

There were more...

Basically, these women would stalk and harass these bus drivers in the hope of getting some action. If it didn't work with one, they moved onto the next. OK, some of these guys encouraged them but they were mainly normal guys just doing their jobs.

But then when me and Kay were last in LA, the poor guy on the 485 from Pasadena was objectified beyond belief by us... He did lead us on, mind... Sexy fucker... ;)

"AJ" (Or "Adventures With Big Bird")

Fuck me, this chick was 6'5"...

She put me on edge when we first met by commenting that I, at just shy of 5'10" was "short".

So her story...

She was a 16 year old Dutch high school student when she first found me. I would have been 23 or 24, I guess.

I was a prolific poster on the Motorhead forum and she joined and asked a few questions. I answered them and then she added me on MSN. We would chat sometimes but nothing major.

Then she found out I was helping Phil write his autobiography and she suddenly became much more interested in me.

She confessed that she had fallen in love with Phil and wanted to marry him and have his babies (he was already married with three boys). When I joked that he was only short and may be overwhelmed in her presence, she refused to believe he was anything under 6'2" (I would put him at under 5'6"). She started drawing really crappy pictures and asking people to pass them onto Phil (I declined but others did it). She would probe me for little bits of information about him...

But then she got really weird...

She said one day that she was coming to the UK really soon and she was going to visit Wales. She then proceeded to give me Phil's home address (I never did find out how she got it) and said she couldn't wait to get over to his house and say hi.

And then - get this - and then she said "I think Phil should get a divorce now".

I explained he had been married a very long time and I did not expect them to ever divorce (largely because no other woman would put up with his shit the way she does).

Then she said... "Then when I come to Wales I'm going to kill her".

That earned an immediate block.

I told Phil (in a Wetherspoons in Newport, of all places) and he joked that he was going to put up a sign backstage saying "No Stalkers Allowed" but I know he was disturbed by the whole thing.

She went on to align herself with some real nasty people in an attempt to get at me in a hardcore hate campaign but I never cared. After-all, Phil knew she was insane.

Not sure what happened to AJ in the end. I know she had no friends in the real world and purely lived online. I'm hoping she took a little trip to DIGNITAS...

Top 10 signs you are a lifeguard stalker!

~ You feel the need to say "Good morning", "Good evening", "Good night" to the lifeguards EVERY SINGLE DAY

~ You photoshop pictures of the lifeguards onto photos of yourself

~ You find yourself getting angry when Hoppo does not respond to your inane tweets

~ You boast that you know where Maxi's sister lives

~ Deano blocks you

~ Other fans start referring to you as "nutjob" to your face

~ You comment on every single tweet/FB update/photo that emanates from a lifeguard

~ You find yourself making really crappy things for the lifeguards. You know, the sort a 7 year old makes for their favourite teacher

~ You proudly tell people you once sat outside Kerrbox's house for an hour and a half in your mom's car

~ You think people are mistaking you for a lifeguard when in reality you are more likely to be mistaken for a particularly lumbering bovine...

Ah hell, have one more for a bonus!

~ You publicly worry about what to do when you meet your favourite lifeguard of the moment and they will find you so irresistible that they will want to impregnate you on the spot!

You TOO can stalk lifeguards!*

Are YOU so unpopular that even your cat flips you off when you walk in the room?

Do YOU live your entire life through the internet?

Do YOU want to marry a lifeguard who does not know you exist?

Are YOU so incredibly undesirable that the only way you could bag a man is to stalk and harass one into fearing you?

Do YOU want to be able to tell everyone your best friend is a lifeguard YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN MET?!!

If you answered YES to ANY of these questions, then Bondi Stalking 101 is for you!

Learn how to get Deano to block you in three easy steps!

Be amazed at how quickly Hoppo ignores your demands for attention!

Practice how to outrun Harries when the lifeguards chase you away!

Impress people with your insanity to the point that you get anti-stalker blog posts dedicated to you!

For just a one-off Paypal payment of $149.95#, you will receive the full 10 week course with these tips and more! Order now to receive a bonus DVD of genuine (non-stalker) Bondi rescue fans telling you to go fuck yourself!

In no time you will be sitting in jail, reminiscing over your fun 7 minutes on the beach before the police had to set the dogs on you!

*Anyone actually expecting an instruction manual here is an even bigger moron than I could imagine
#You can send me the money if you like but you may or may not receive something that you wouldn't want to show your mother...

Getting ready for Christmas

I prepare everything in advance so have already bought most of the drinks and treats.

An ongoing list...

2 bottles pre-mixed margaritas

1 bottle pre-mixed mojito

1 bottle tequila

1 bottle triple sec

1 bottle Vermouth

1 bottle Sailor Jerry spiced rum

1 bottle Pagoya (vegan) dark rum

1 bottle Di Saronno Amaretto

1 bottle Zamaretto (apple flavoured Amaretto)

1 bottle apple schnapps

1 bottle peach schnapps

1 bottle cachaça

1 bottle UK 5 (vegan) vodka

1 bottle grappa

1/2 bottle of brandy (left over from last year)

1 bottle kir royale

2 bottles Bucks Fizz

3 bottles Moscato Spumante

3 bottles Frascati

3 bottles White Zinfandel

2 bottles 7Up

2 bottles Orangina

2 bottles Shloer

1 bottle cream soda

1 bottle pineapple and lime soda

1 bottle Mandarin soda

1 bottle cloudy Sicilian lemonade

1 bottle regular Sicilian lemonade

2 bottles ginger ale

2 Cosmopolitan mixers

2 cases bottled Budweiser

(plus several different types of fruit juice for the kids...)

Then there's the food...!

6 boxes Cadbury chocolate fingers

6 boxes shortbread

6 tubes Pringles

2 tubs flying saucers

1 bag (vegan) rhubarb and custard boiled sweets

1 box (vegan) Amaretti

3 boxes sugared almonds

1 large box Thornton's chocolates

1 tube Minstrels

1 tube Cadbury Dairy Milk

1 bag pretzels

3 boxes (vegan) Ritz-style crackers

2 tins biscuits

2 boxes maple brazils

1 bag salted peanuts

1 bag dry roasted peanuts

1 bag pecans

1 bag walnuts

1 box nut Turkish Delight

2 boxes rose and lemon Turkish Delight

2 boxes Amaretto Turkish Delight

3 packs candy canes

1 box Cadbury Heroes

1 box Toblerone Tinys

1 box Celebrations

1 box Chocolate Orange Segsations

4 chocolate santas

1 box Francois Doucet pates de fruits

2 boxes peanut brittle

Add to this the large gift bags everyone gets after the Christmas dinner (mini bottles of wine, sweets, chocolates, etc) and we *might* just have enough for the two of us... and the odd family member that visits...

The allergy post

These are proper allergies, not stuff I just avoid because I am vegan, etc...

This is also a list I will have to come back to over time to update...

Chocolate

Cocoa

Carob

Locust bean gum

Dairy products

Pop Tarts

Soy

Egg

Caffeine

Beeswax

Lactic Acid

Aspirin

Penicillin

Peroxide

Rimmel lipstick

Cat fur (except for Persians)

Rabbit fur

Ferret fur

Oranges

Cauliflower