Facebook, how I hate thee...

It's been about a year since I finally gave in to the nagging of my sister's kids and joined Facebook. Within minutes of joining, I had over 100 people add me (the majority of which were from High School). Everyone said the same thing; "You look wonderful!" "I've missed you!" "We should catch up!"

It's been a year now and all I can really establish is that Facebook is really, really shit.

Those arseholes from school? Most of them barely acknowledged me back then (apparently being intelligent and artistically/musically talented meant fuck all if you were not part of the race to "Suck the most cocks before year 10"...).

I tried to be civil, if only for the sake of the children who look up to me as the cool auntie.

But For Fuck's Sake!

Talk about vacuous!

"Little Benji went to the big boy toilet today!"

"My Matty loves watching TV!"

"Oh I do hope I can lose the baby weight soon"

Wanna know something? You'll never lose the baby weight because you spend all day sitting on your fat arse, whining on Facebook while you shove cream cakes down your throat. Accept it.

My God! What is wrong with them?!!

As soon as I hit 18, I left Birmingham. At 20, I left the UK. I have travelled the world, got a decent education, dated some very handsome rock stars...

Any you know what? They all think I am a failure because I don't have children.

None of them have left the Midlands. They have an absolute shit-load of kids between them and very few are actually married to the fathers... OK I am judgemental but come on!

Then there was the guys from school I actually got along with... One (lovely bloke... I thought...) was constantly chatting with me on Facebook and he seemed really interested in what I had to say. And then he asked me to cyber. I declined. He blocked me. Dick head.

Do I REALLY need to read blow-by-blow accounts of the latest X-Factor/Britain's Got Talent shite?

People that constantly talk in the third person! Just. Die.

Truly, I couldn't give a flying monkey wank about your farm!

And I don't care about your wedding (your future husband is ugly; in fact he could be your twin brother, sicko), the latest bargains you found in Iceland, or your planned trip to fucking Butlins!

Can't believe I put up with it for so long. Last month, I started slaughtering my friends list and eventually went from almost 200 to 60-odd.

Some of these still piss me off but, as I said, I am trying to be civil...