The darkness has passed...

Note to self - it lasts about a fortnight, then.

These dark periods are becoming more and more a regular occurrence. I don't want to go on medication so I just need to work through them, I guess.

The last two weeks have been very rough; I considered suicide several times. Only thing that kept me going was knowing I would like to have my affairs in order before I die to make it easier for my family. And we all know how disorganised I am...

I awoke this morning with more clarity than I have had in a while. I am back to looking at my PhD application and I have a few things to look forward to.

Of course, the darkness lifts and the stress clamps down again. Back to work tomorrow but I am worried about how I will make ends meet this month (I know I will be fine as I wont have to pay £300 in tuition fees for the first time in ages), I have an exam coming up, I feel I should be doing more around the house, I am about to re-apply for my drivers licence... It's all a lot but I need the stress to keep the darkness at bay...

As for what I have to look forward to? With the end of my studies comes the prospect of a career change with better pay and more respect. I'm also seeing Rush next month and have decided to go see Judas Priest in July.

Things are never as bad as I think they are but it is difficult to comprehend that when you are going through such lows.

But I'll get through it; I always do.

Let me tell you a little story...

This is actually my earliest memory. Get this...

I would probably have been 2 (maybe 3? I should really check the details with my mother...). We were living on the farm in North Wales and needed to go up to Birmingham to visit family and also my parents needed to pick up some chicks and ducklings from somewhere (Henley Market?).

So we are getting ready to leave early in the morning. I am sitting on a chair in the kitchen and my mother says it is time to go.

"I don't want to go"

"Why not?"

"Because dad is going to roll the car"

"Don't be so silly; your dad is a good driver. Go and get in the car"

My next memory is sitting on the road, watching a travelling salesman chase the loose chicks and ducklings while my parents are checked out by the ambulance crew.

I have no recollection of the accident at all. My sisters remember it clearly, though. The car rolled 3 times and came to rest on a bridge. I wasn't wearing a seatbelt (did not have lap belts for the centre seat in most cars back then) and suffered a head injury.

I also remember the doctor trying to see if I was OK (I seem to remember this as a house visit the following day? Could have been a follow-up check-up that I remember) and I refused to speak to him. They marked my file that I had a concussion. I didn't; I just didn't like strange men...

My family vowed to always listen to me if I ever said anything like that again.

They didn't, though, of course.

Is THIS the most stupid person on the internet?

Meet @mc-gangsta!

I have to thank Alex over at Seven Trousers for finding this one... His shit-dar is so much more powerful than mine...

This was his welcome message to the world -

Stop talkin shit about Adolf Hitler mudafuckaz, he were genius. FUCK ALL JEWISH.

Hmm... what?

Alex responded with

You mental spastic cunt.

...which kind of summed it up for everyone. Then dickhead decides to announce

FUCK YA BASTARD. If Adolf Hitler come back he will fuck yo ass.

Charming! And from Alex?

Well, it's a good thing he ended up being burned in a ditch then, isn't it.

A few other highlights from the idiot include...

All women r evil n bitch.

Im mr lonely i have no body :(

We missed u Adolf Hitler. We need u 4 kill much more ppl. We need u 4 kill dat fuckin jewish ppl. We need u 4 kill all ppl.

Yihuuu Adolf Hitler still TT. We love u Adolf Hitler. Die 4 all fuckin jewish ppl.

Adolf Hitler ♥

Damn im angry n i have headache n ma stomach hurts DAMN :(

ill b happy when all mudafuckin jewish died.

I miss the world Adolf Hitler lived in....

Wanna get a black woman mad? Tell her white girls give better head than black chicks haha

I like big boobs

Fuck ya god, jesus ma son. I fucked yo wife more than u. I tried all positions on her n she s gud cock sucker.

twitter be having some racist TTs man. Black twitter? Fuck outta here

So yes, well... At least we can rest happy in the knowledge that this one will never breed...

Why ebay should bring back the negative feedback option for sellers

I was an ebay seller for many years but when they changed the feedback system in 2008 so that sellers could only leave positive feedback for buyers, I gave it all up.

Recently, though, I have started selling again as I had a lot of stuff to get rid of so figured I would risk it.

However, while most of my transactions have gone brilliantly, I have had one dodgy one where I would love to leave (factual) negative feedback for the buyer.

I sold a designer handbag to someone in the US. The parcel was sent untracked but with proof of postage obtained for if I needed to make a claim; this is how I always send my international parcels unless they are very high value and then they are sent tracked for the extra insurance.

So anyway, about a fortnight after I sent it, the buyer emailed me and asked if I had a tracking number. I responded that I was very concerned it had not arrived and it had been posted on x date and can take up to 30 days, depending on customs, etc.

His response?

"Have received the bag - it is beautiful! - it's just if you don't have a tracking number, I am going to submit a claim through Paypal so I can have the bag for free and then you can claim through the postal service. Win-win!"

I responded that I, in fact, did have a tracking number and heard nothing more about it.

Of course, with Paypal, if someone submits a claim against you, they only listen to the seller if the seller has used an online-trackable postage method. If you don't have a tracking number, you automatically lose your case.

Now, I am completely opposed to sellers that leave retaliatory feedback and I do believe they should be banned but this is a case where someone was clearly trying to commit fraud and so there should be a way to warn other sellers. I cannot leave a false-positive feedback as they are against ebay rules and it will be pulled.

But no. I can't do a thing about it as ebay are going out of their way to alienate their sellers.

Kinda crap, don't you think?

Welcome to bunting

So me and Lindsay over at What I love! were chatting on Twitter yesterday. One of the many things I do on there is I'll post the search term of the day that brings people to either this or one of my other blogs. Yesterday's was from the Hoppo blog and was "Lifeguard Tom Bunting 2 girlfriends". Of course, Tom Bunting is a lifeguard at Bondi...

Lindsay, though, read it as "Lifeguard Tom bunting 2 girlfriends" and proceeded to ask me what bunting was... after a quick google search, we established that there was no depraved sexual act called Bunting so we decided to invent one.

We are currently working on the rules but so far it involves having a 3-way with one person giving instructions ("yelling" in my terms...), it has to be fun, and cannot involve any tiny-dicked guys...

So far, so good!

I am sure we will have an update as soon as we have ironed out any flaws.

Might see if I can bunt me a couple of members of Rush next month...

Facebook, how I hate thee...

It's been about a year since I finally gave in to the nagging of my sister's kids and joined Facebook. Within minutes of joining, I had over 100 people add me (the majority of which were from High School). Everyone said the same thing; "You look wonderful!" "I've missed you!" "We should catch up!"

It's been a year now and all I can really establish is that Facebook is really, really shit.

Those arseholes from school? Most of them barely acknowledged me back then (apparently being intelligent and artistically/musically talented meant fuck all if you were not part of the race to "Suck the most cocks before year 10"...).

I tried to be civil, if only for the sake of the children who look up to me as the cool auntie.

But For Fuck's Sake!

Talk about vacuous!

"Little Benji went to the big boy toilet today!"

"My Matty loves watching TV!"

"Oh I do hope I can lose the baby weight soon"

Wanna know something? You'll never lose the baby weight because you spend all day sitting on your fat arse, whining on Facebook while you shove cream cakes down your throat. Accept it.

My God! What is wrong with them?!!

As soon as I hit 18, I left Birmingham. At 20, I left the UK. I have travelled the world, got a decent education, dated some very handsome rock stars...

Any you know what? They all think I am a failure because I don't have children.

None of them have left the Midlands. They have an absolute shit-load of kids between them and very few are actually married to the fathers... OK I am judgemental but come on!

Then there was the guys from school I actually got along with... One (lovely bloke... I thought...) was constantly chatting with me on Facebook and he seemed really interested in what I had to say. And then he asked me to cyber. I declined. He blocked me. Dick head.

Do I REALLY need to read blow-by-blow accounts of the latest X-Factor/Britain's Got Talent shite?

People that constantly talk in the third person! Just. Die.

Truly, I couldn't give a flying monkey wank about your farm!

And I don't care about your wedding (your future husband is ugly; in fact he could be your twin brother, sicko), the latest bargains you found in Iceland, or your planned trip to fucking Butlins!

Can't believe I put up with it for so long. Last month, I started slaughtering my friends list and eventually went from almost 200 to 60-odd.

Some of these still piss me off but, as I said, I am trying to be civil...

Adventures in the Business, Part 1

Where oh where do I start?

I started working in the music industry at the age of 14, managing a friend's band. I got 'em as far as Donnington (back before it became shit) and then we parted ways as some London wanker took them on...

My fun adventures occurred a little later in my career, though...

I was working for one particular musician (had been for quite a while) when he invited me to an event in London. I arrived in the city the afternoon before the gig and called him but his phone was off. I left a voicemail and then went shopping with my friend who was travelling with me.

Heard nothing from him so we went out to dinner and then retired to our hotel room to get some rest.

8am the following morning... I am up and showered, straightening my hair, etc, while my friend fannies about, not doing too much.

My phone rings.

It is my elderly mother.

"Your **** just called. We had a nice little chat"

(Oh shit) "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, he has a new mobile number as he lost his old phone in Sweden. He wants you to call him. Then he is going to call me back"

"...why?"

"Well he said he has been watching pornography all night and wants to chat with an older lady as he misses his mother"

"DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE!!!"

I call him and he tells me what hotel he is staying at. I jump on the tube and head over to meet him.

He answers his hotel room door in a hat and a shirt and nothing else.

I take a seat and help myself to water from the mini bar. He proceeds to tell me about the girl he met the previous day, even showing me photos of her. She is supposed to look like some celebrity but she just looks fat and plain to me. What would I know though...

There is a bad 80s porno flick playing on the TV and the Sun spread of a topless Charlotte Church is on the table.

"You keep the fuck away from my mother"

"OK. I'm gonna take a bath. Wanna watch me?"

"No"

"Please"

"No"

"OK. I'll only be a while"

He jumps in the bath while I sit on the bed and talk through the door to him.

"Come on in. I need some company"

"No. I don't wanna see you naked"

"The water's deep"

"Don't care"

We talk about a side project he is putting together and the set-list his band will play. He also asks for a list of things I bought the day before (he was desperate for me to say "12" dildo" but I did not...).

Out of the bath and wearing only a towel (and his hat; balding, you see), he asks me for a massage. I kinda thought that was a reasonable compromise so I give him a massage while we make small talk.

He is already on the booze at 10am. At least he wasn't snorting crap in front of me, unlike usual.

After we chat a little more, he says I have to leave as he needs to sleep. I am happy to escape. At the door, he makes an incredibly clumsy attempt to kiss me. I pat him on the head (short arse) and leave...

And the funny thing? None of this seemed strange at the time...

Woman with power = bitch?

I was a little bored today so I ended up reading some old posts over at the Rob Halford forums (not something I have ever frequented myself as I don't like fanwankers).

I got into Judas Priest via Cozy Powell and Glenn Tipton (they recorded together in the mid-90s). When I got into Priest, Ripper was the lead singer and I had no interest in Rob. Rob then came back, I saw them live, and stopped listening to them from that point on... but from '98 to maybe '05 I was a huge fan (and yes, I did see Ripper with them; he was great).

Anyway, on the forums today, I was reading all the hatred towards Jayne Andrews, Judas Priest's management co-ordinator.

It was all pretty much the same from the Halford fans; she does not promote the band enough, she's rude, she's difficult, she isn't pretty enough, she's a bitch.

I got to thinking... if she was a man, surely they would just argue that she was trying to protect the band name by not whoring them out to pretty much anything (we've seen it so many times before with other bands). They consistently call her a bitch and say she is rude because she does not provide them with inside information about the band. I exchanged a few emails with Jayne in the early part of the last decade and she was nothing but helpful. But then I did not ask her for the forthcoming tour's set-list or a photo of Glenn's cock.

I've seen this so often before; any woman who does well in the music industry is a bitch. They say she slept her way to the top, she doesn't know what she's doing, etc.

Sharon Osborne. OK, I hate the TV show but Ozzy is alive due to her efforts alone.

Brenda Brooker. I think she had good intentions but don't necessarily agree with her methods. But you do what you can and I know how difficult musicians can be...

I was accused of all sorts of stuff when I was successful with my work in the business, to the point where I left and rarely interact with the people I used to class as friends.

I do think Jayne is subjected to excessive abuse and she is not even the one to blame for a lot of what happens with Judas Priest. Why don't people just lay off her?

I refuse to believe anyone that Cozy loved for so many years is anything but a good person.

Why you should not piss off vegans

I don't do much re the veganism on here because I have so many other things going on; if you want to read about Vegan issues, I can happily point you in the direction of some great blogs.

Take QuarryGirl.com

They were the ones that did the excellent expose on the vegan restaurants in LA that were actually using animal ingredients. Luckily, I had not frequented any of the shameful establishments before the piece was published.

Their latest work is humorous rather than horrifying, though.

VegNews is a leading website/magazine for vegetarians/vegans. I have dipped in and out over the years, mainly looking for dinner ideas.

But the latest?

It has been revealed that VegNews have been using stock photos in their articles to go along with their recipes.

OK, you say, what's the problem with that?

Well, my dear readers... the problem is... they have been using stock photos of MEAT!

So that lovely veggie burger? Beef.

Nice bean stew? Chicken.

Vegan ribs? Real ribs with the bones airbrushed out.

I shit you not! Article can be seen here.

People (understandably) were upset and so contacted VegNews about it. And how did they respond? They blocked people, deleted their comments, and claimed they were violating their terms of service.

So everyone waited til the mods of the website had gone offline for the night and went kinda crazy.

VegNews could have handled this so much better but chose not to. Their former staff say this has been common practice for a long time.

Wanna see the abuse they are getting on Twitter?

It has been my experience over the years that people just like to exploit vegans (unreasonable prices for things labelled vegan, etc). I see this as being no different.

Boycott VegNews and all other money-grabbing charlatans.

Save Bethesda Field, Rogerstone

My mother moved to Rogerstone (from Birmingham) in 1999 and I moved here (from Swansea) in 2005. It was a sleepy little village with an ageing population and not much else. BUT it was quiet and there was plenty of places to walk the dogs; it was also a place for me to escape the stresses of working in the music industry.

2011. Most of the shops have closed down and the factories are all heading the same way. Production is greatly reduced down on the industrial estate and there are redundancies all over the place.

Newport is not any better; nothing to do at all.

Either last year or the year before, the Aluminium factory shut down. Many of my friends and neighbours lost their jobs. Since then, the factory has been slowly dismantled and the site cleared.

The plan for the land?

900 new homes. We do NOT have the infrastructure to cope with even more housing in the area. The village is gridlocked for a good two hours ever single day and crime instances are soaring.

Last night, I was emptying the last of my belongings from my now dead car when a woman approached me to advise that they were planning to build another 80 houses on a field by where I walk Gino every day. It is currently inhabited by two horses.

There has been no public meetings, no signs on the lampposts to say planning permission has been applied for... the village council has just decided to sell off our land to make some quick cash.

Shall we currently ignore the fact that we pay much higher rates than people in the city do, purely because we live in Rogerstone?

Yes, lets...

When I commented that they'd be stupid to do this as they can't sell the empty houses we currently have for sale in the area, I was informed that the majority of the new builds will be "social housing".

So they are planning to turn Rogerstone into one big council estate.

We already have council houses dotted about the area and, while most residents are lovely, there are also the problem families you associate with these types of estates. The latest family to move in have subsidised housing but 3 cars less than 3 years old and run a very successful business out of the property. Makes sense, huh?

You already have to queue for half an hour to negotiate Cefn Rd every morning. This will just be taking the piss.

There's a petition but I already know that Rogerstone Council don't give a shit what residents think...

A lighter moment

OK I know the darkness is dominating the blog right now so I thought I would throw in something a little lighter.

Photo taken on the train a few days ago...

This is, of course, a piece by @OctoberJones. Check him out!

Adventures with psychics

I am undecided on psychics.

I have seen a few over the years; the first few times were just for a laugh (Kay dragged me along as she really believed in it) but the last time, I went looking for answers...

They all seem to follow the same pattern; they read me very well but then I can read people fairly well myself so maybe nothing special there...

Highlights include... intelligent, not suited to office work, prefer older men, artistic... You get the idea.

When I saw one in LA, she said I would make a big decision towards the middle of the year that would affect my life for many years to come. That June, I committed to going back to university to retrain as a forensic psychologist.

They all say the same thing in the end, though... My spirit guide is trying to contact me to lift me out of the darkness.

The last reading I had was interesting (as I said, I went looking for answers that I did not get). She said that my spirit guide was showing her a big pile of books and telling me to leave them alone and get back to nature. As it happens, I submitted the final report for my MSc yesterday and I just have one more exam next month and then I am finished. This one also kept going on about how I was so close to nature when I was younger (me and my old dog Dino were obsessive walkers...).

Psychics have told me to keep writing, that I have a lot to tell the next generation.

But then they said my spirit guide would send me a sign of two feathers, brown in colour. I have had this said by all the psychics I have seen. I live in the country and the neighbours keep chickens so I was never really hopeful of something profound happening...

Then I decided to make a collage picture of some of my old Cozy Powell articles (I have a few duplicates). I was sorting through yesterday when I found this one -

It is a piece Cozy wrote for RAW after he left Gary Moore's band. I gave it a little read through (he was an intelligent man who perhaps sometimes hid it for the sake of his image). Then I noticed this -
Yup. A brown feather. HA! I thought... If only there were two...

I worked through the article pile a little more and then found this -

Two brown feathers.

The answers I was looking for? Ever since that bastard screwed me over, I have doubted my writing skills. I was also worried what Cozy (a very private man) would have thought of me writing his biography. I needed to know I was doing the right thing by committing to this project.

Now I am not for a second saying that Cozy is my spirit guide but I am very fragile whenever I try to work on his story so maybe my guide is trying to show that I can actually get through it...

Or maybe, as Alex over at Seven Trousers says, it's all bollocks that should be confined to the circus with the other freaks.

Meet the kittens

I promised to post photos a few days ago but this is my first chance.

Meet Cooper and Sydney (yes they were Koji and Miso but I changed my mind...).

He is very shy but she loves to get involved with things. She adores Gino and enjoys blocking my view whilst I am trying to write...

In other cat-related sad news, Cozy Powell's cat, Monkey Girl died yesterday at the age of 16.

The Cozy Powell Project (update 2)

I have set up a dedicated blog so far - The Cozy Powell Project.

I have not managed to do much yet because I am still working on this report and my computer is on its last legs, etc, but I promise I will get there...

Hoping to get my report submitted tonight and then I shall start really working on this.

Well that was interesting...

I have had a really rough week (little sleep, working long hours, emotional stress re the anniversaries of Both Cozy and Boomer leaving us). I went to bed early last night - well about half 10 - and figured I would catch up on some sleep.

Nope.

I was still laying there at 3am. I had the shakes, I was so tired. I have loads of stuff running through my head right now that I am struggling to deal with. Plus I have a paper due in a couple of days that is worth 50% of my module grade...

So anyway...

I got up at 6am and showered, etc. I was downstairs by 7.30, getting ready to take the dogs out (Coco is staying). From my office, you can see the driveway perfectly. I noticed a man walk up the drive and figured it was just another flyer or charity bag delivery but then he hammered on the door...

OK.

So I answer the door (little me; 5'10" with all of my tattoos on show). He immediately turns round and walks away. An "OI! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT?!" stopped him in his tracks...

Turns out, he is a workman who is carrying out a job at the house of the vile inbreds up the road. Yesterday, he was driving up the road when a piece of paper blew out of his car window. It was apparently important so he stopped and got out to retrieve it from the pavement. At that point, a couple allegedly accused him of picking a tenner up off the floor. He had discussed it with the inbreds who said it was probably me and my hubby that had stopped him. I haven't got a hubby and I am a million times uninterested in what people pick up in the street...

He came round my house for a fight. So I offered it to him and he ran away. Wasn't me he was looking for anyway but it was a great start to the day.

The sooner I can leave this shit-hole, the better.

The Cozy Powell Project (update 1)

The darkness has returned...

As soon as I made the commitment to start this, it descended upon me and forcibly shoved me back into the funk that I have been fighting against for many years.

Because even though I post the videos and the photos and say Cozy should never be forgotten, etc, his passing is not something I myself can deal with very well.

From the start, I hoped it had all been a mistake; someone else was in the car, he was actually just in a coma, he'd be coming home soon...

But it's 13 years today and I know it is all over.

I miss him terribly.

I've spent the last few days sorting though my magazine collection for old interviews and after next week (I have the final paper for my MSc due), I will be starting my database search. I intend on sharing all of my research but not right now...

I've also been watching old videos and listening to his solo stuff. It's taking me back to my teen years and at the age of 30, I still find it difficult to cope.

I'm in tears as I write this.

I just hope this project allows me some closure.

I'll miss you forever, Cozy.

500 (plus a tiny announcement)

So this is kind of blog post 500. I say kind of because I have posted more that I deleted (ie, the Hala Pickford versus David Bret stuff).

I asked on Twitter what I should write about and it was suggested I cover issues with workmates. This would be a return to some of my earliest stuff. I thought about it but then I realised I hate my own job so much right now that actually writing about it would just piss me off even more.

Sorry about that.

I was also asked to write about my political views. But no one wants to be THAT bored...

I thought of doing another retrospective. Maybe explore the growing trend of psychopathic Bondi Rescue fans who like to harass and threaten innocent people and try to destroy reputations for their own personal gains. Or cover the popularity of my Beautiful Men/Inspirational Women series. But I am still annoyed about what happened recently concerning that. Maybe a nice post dedicated to the heroes I have lost over the last few years? Kind of sum it all up... What about a psychological evaluation of what sort of individual would actually waste their time stalking ME, purely because of the persona I present on the internet? Or maybe do an evaluation of the amount of crap I have bought and blogged about since I started this a few years ago?

Nah.

I decided to do something a little different.

Today is Mothering Sunday and I got the old dragon a paella pan. Not my fault I am not great on the difference between metric and imperial... I am getting my new kittens today - Koji and Miso. I will post some photos when I get chance. April 6th will also be one year since we had to let Boomer go. April is not a good time for me...

Speaking of which...

That little announcement I mentioned at the start...

This is a world exclusive so enjoy it!

I have decided, after long deliberation, to write a biography of Cozy Powell.

It is something I have been considering for many years. I have said before (many times) that Cozy is someone who should definitely be remembered. I am in a position to make that happen...

I don't know how long it will take me; my Phil Campbell biography was very slow to progress but that was entirely down to Phil. I obviously wont have that issue with Coze so it will just be a case of trying to squeeze it all around work and university.

Whether I will publish or just stick it on the blog will depend on the amount of feedback I get on the project. I, personally, would like to see it in print.

So, Cozy fans! Got a story or tribute you would like to share? Either post it here (use the comment button) or drop me an email at irezumi.x.muzan@gmail.com.

I promise to post regular updates on the project and we'll see where it ends up.

(Oh, and I will also start thinking about writing the story of my 10-odd years spent working in the music industry. I'll have to wait till a few people are dead before that epic sees the light of day, though...).

13 years

Tuesday (April 5th) will be the 13th anniversary of the untimely passing of the wonderful Mr Cozy Powell. My time is very limited right now and I do hope to one day write a fitting tribute to the man I love dearly but for the moment, I thought I would share a few of my favourite videos.

Spare a thought for Coze. He should never be forgotten.